A community of twisted fibres reaching out, winding around one another to form something greater. I am woven, one of many. The calm of unity ignites despite the chaos…the form eludes me yet I am pulled tightly into it. Unable to labor a breath as a single entity, each breath rises and falls together in serendipitous synchronicity. Holding tightly through the maze of tangled hopes, my heart pulsates knowing I am one part of a whole. Forever the love consumes me.
This November 17th I will be lying on my father’s grave as the sun rises to bring a new day to fruition. I haven’t seen him since I found out I was pregnant with my first child over 16 years ago. I hardly knew him.
In 2007, I realized I needed to find him. I needed to know whether he was alive or had passed on. I wrote Social Security and found out he had died in August of 2002. None of us knew he had died in Nevada so many years ago.
It has been a process of discovery, physically, emotionally and spiritually that has led me to this moment of closure on November 17th. There will be a Military Salute, and a Burial Flag given to us as well because when he died, he had no family, he was indigent…a social services case…there was no memorial. Now, there will be one, with music, candles, family that loves him and grandchildren dancing on the grass above his grave.
My Dad was an alcoholic. The kind of Alcoholic that would drink himself into blackouts, disappear for years at a time. I didn’t get much time with him and I was too late in finding him. I never got to say good bye.
But over the past 2 years, while I have tried (successfully) to find out where he is buried…music has created a bond and connection with him that I never had. Songs like Drift Away would come on the radio at the most impeccable time, I could hear my Dad in the music, feel his perspective, learn what his life journey was all about.
In so many ways, music has been healing my relationship with my Dad. I have realized, although he was not in my life he did love me, unselfishly chosing to stay gone so we could live without the pain of his addiction. Home by Foo Fighters is a song that truly touched my heart, I hear my Dad’s experience through that song completely.
My mom was going through her old papers this summer and found a letter my Dad had written to me in 1991 when he was sober. It is an amends letter. He explained why he drinks, why he hasn’t been there. He says he loves me and he’s proud of me. It is the best gift I could have been given, to hear my Dad’s words spoken to me through this tangible letter.
Our entire family is headed to Nevada for his Memorial. It is a wonderful thing to have a relationship with my Dad, it’s not too late for love, it never is. This November 17th, we will all be reconnected to him. Our story is forever changed, for the positive.
Imagine a precious little light. Floating, humming. A spirit perhaps, a soul. Pure & unyeilding in love; glowing within it’s own warm radiant energy.
Imagine a thin chalky layer of a rough mineral laden clay cast upon it, one thin layer after the other. Drying to hard crack as it builds into a crust; becoming unrecognizable yet not forgotten.
How do we peel away that thick layer of a crust; memories, experiences, relationships that we have allowed to enshroud our little yet big bright spirits? How do we reconnect with our radiant energy still glowing like an ember buried within the layers of hardened clay life has cast upon us?
That little light is love. All we have to do is remember.
- Prepare the filling and set aside.
- Preheat the oven to 350∘F
- Butter a 10 inch bundt cake or tube pan with butter and coat with flour
- In a medium bowl, combine dry ingredients well using a whisk or sieve.
- Using a stand mixer with a paddle attachment, starting on low speed cream butter and sugar together until light yellow and fluffy. On medium speed add eggs one at a time, stop to scrape down sides of the bowl.
- On low speed again alternately add portions of dry mixturefollowed by sour cream/yogurt and ending with the last of the dry mixture. Stop and scrape down the sides of the bowl often.
- Place 1/2 the batter in the prepared pan, sprinkle 3/4 of the mixture over the batter. Place the other half of the batter in the pan and then sprinkle the remaining 1/4 of the mixture over the top of the batter.
- Use a knife to make a swirl through the batter if you wish.
- Bake at 350∘F for 50-60 minutes or until it’s done! (a toothpick inserted n the middle will come out clean) Let it cool in the pan for 15-20 minutes.
- Drizzle with the maple and vanilla glaze and enjoy!
Think about it. Why does the inevitable always happen when it is most inconvenient? How would your perception change if you chose to see your experiences through a different filter?